Scarred
by Sakura the Cookie Monster
Summary: Mamoru's POV. Mamoru contemplates about his scars and other things. Shounen-ai/Yaoi warning.


TITLE: Scarred  
  
AUTHOR: Sakura the Cookie Monster  
  
RATING: PG-13  
  
DISCLAIMER: Standard disclaimer applies. ***********************************************************************  
As I sat alone in my room, I look at myself in the full body mirror. Wearing only a pair of comfortable jeans and my slippers, I began looking at the faint scars all over my body. From the scars on my wrist made Fisheye's cuffs when he looked into my dream mirror a few weeks ago to the medium-sized abdomen scar from Sailor Moon's Moon Tiara Action attack, the pain from every single one would never go away. But the one that hurts the most and even now is hurting in pain is the former wound on my right shoulder from Zoisite's ice shard. No matter how much time has passed, my right shoulder has never been the same.  
  
I look to my left and I see Usagi sleeping peacefully, in content, with a smile on her face, unscathed. Jealousy spurns within me the more I look at her. Not a scar, scratch, bruise, welt, or any other sign of injury on her perfect, milky-white skin. Sure the other senshi get hurt, but once they de-henshin, all of their battle scars disappear faster than a ship in the Bermuda Triangle. What's so special about them that the Gods do not see in me? Is it because I'm tainted? Male? Older? Wiser? What could possibly be different about me from them? Is it my past? All I have to do is close my eyes and I dream of a past with Serenity that I do not wish to remember or a past with my parents in this time that I want to remember so badly it hurts to think about it.  
  
'If I keep looking at her, I'm going to go insane,' I thought, 'Let her sleep. I need time to be the real me before I play this false persona again.'  
  
I walk out of my bedroom and head straight for the kitchen. I've been waiting for her to fall asleep so that I could binge on my secret stash of chocolates. Then, I head for the drawer underneath the sink and hidden underneath college applications, notebooks, textbooks, and binders full of unused paper, is a flashlight, cigarettes, a Bowie knife, and my stash of chocolates. I take the cigarettes and chocolates with me and sit on the couch, propping my feet on top of the table in front of me. I begin chewing on my stash of chocolates as I hear someone knocking on the door. Guests always seem to have brilliant timing. The last thing I need is an uninvited guest, especially while I'm still picking up the pieces of my broken ego and contemplating about my scarred soul.  
  
I walk towards the door as I light up my cigarette and inhale the toxic fumes into my body. Looking through the peephole, I see the very last person I want to see me in this kind of state: Motoki Furuhata.  
  
"Yes?", I asked, not in the mood to deal with anyone right now.  
  
"Mamoru-kun, are you busy?", he questioned at the other end of the door.  
  
"A little. Why?", I replied.  
  
"I wanted to talk to you about something a bit rather private," he answered, with an insecure and rather fearful tone in his voice. That's not like him at all. Maybe I'll just see him for a few minutes.  
  
"I'll come out," I said, sighing while I opened the door. Motoki was standing there in awe as I closed the door behind me and was wearing only a pair of jeans, a white shirt, and his favorite sneakers.  
  
"All right, you said you wanted to talk to me about something private. Well, what is it?", I asked with a hint of impatience behind my tone of voice. I really need a cigarette right now.  
  
"Well..," started Motoki as he began looking down at the floor in an effort to avoid eye contact with me. He looked so cute when he tries to get his point across.  
  
"What is it?", I ask again, impatience rising inside me. There's only so much patience I have before I lose my cool.  
  
"You know, it's not everyday that I see you as the real you and not the mask that you put on just to protect Usagi and everyone else around you," declared Motoki. It was unexpected, but it was also true. I put this mask on so that no one would see the true Mamoru Chiba.  
  
"I only do it because I don't want her to see what she really has for a boyfriend," I said to him as a scowl formed on my face.  
  
"And that is? What do you think you are?", asked Motoki.  
  
This was something I had to think about long and hard. After all, there were many monsters in the world to choose as my answer. In the end, I could only generalize my response.  
  
"A monster," I respond hastily.  
  
"You're not a monster in my eyes," he said, gently tracing my jaw line with his index finger. He must've said this to me a thousand times and then some, "Why you see yourself as one is what I don't understand. I'm your best friend, damn it!"  
  
I draw his index finger in my mouth, placing it underneath my tongue. He knows I'm dodging the question. Yet, he doesn't say a word about it at all. His eyes were watching me with an unspoken hunger and was panting in anticipation. He hates it when I tease him like this and avoid his question. I pull his finger out and caress his cheek with my hand.  
  
"Motoki, you're more than a friend and you know that pretty well," I said as I pulled him into a long, slow, and passionate kiss. My hands were in his hair, pulling on it and forcing him to tilt his head upwards. I love the way he groans, slightly in pain because of how hard I was pulling his hair. I could never kiss Usagi like this. It always have to be gentle, soft, and romantic. But, when I'm with Motoki, I don't have to be soft or gentle with him.  
  
Just feeling Motoki's body relax against my own calms me down and helps me forget all of my fears, thoughts, and scars. As I ease up on the kiss, he tries to pull me in deeper with an appetite that rivals violence and greed. I would love nothing more than to take him now, in the hallway, to feel him arch towards me as I pound into him over and over again. But, time was short for the both of us.  
  
Finally, we ended the kiss and looked at each other in the eye. We were panting heavily as I laid butterfly kisses on his hairline. My left hand was wrapped around his waist, caressing his right hip while my hand was playing with locks of his hair. His head was resting on my shoulder while I'm leaning against the door.  
  
"You're beautiful, Motoki. If only we had more time..," I whisper, sated for now. If we did have more time, I would make you scream my name out as we would've come in ecstasy, reveling in this ultimate perfection. I still remember how his legs felt, wrapped around my hips tightly, never wanting to let go of me.  
  
"See what I mean? This is exactly what confuses me about you. One minute you act like a cold fish and won't even think of me. Yet the next minute, you're all over me like a sex-starved animal," exasperated Motoki. That snapped me out of my reverie.  
  
"I AM a sex-starved animal. She wants to remain virtuous and have sex on the wedding night. I, on the other hand, have needs that must be fulfilled. I thought that she and I were soul mates. But, even our souls are different. She wants to wait and I want it now!", I exclaimed as I held on to him tighter than usual.  
  
"Mamoru, if she's there right now, don't you think that she could be worried about you?", you asked, with a look of concern on his face. Ah yes, my telepathic senses are kicking in again, letting me know that she's waking up. Not good.  
  
"You better go, before she wakes up completely," I said, even though I didn't want him to go.  
  
"How can you tell that she's waking up in the first place?", he asked with a look on his face similar to a deer caught on headlights.  
  
"Call it a sixth sense," I answered jokingly. I lean forward towards his ear and whisper gently, "Tonight at eight. She won't be there and we can finish what we started."  
  
"Right. I'll see you at eight," he said, with a faint look of bliss on his face. He lets go of me, but not before biting my ear gently, and walks away with a smile on his face.  
  
I open the door to my apartment, walk back inside, and quickly headed for the kitchen to hide my small stash of cigarettes. And with a sudden realization, I had forgotten to even take a chance to smoke one.  
  
'Shit... I need one, now!'  
  
"Good morning, Mamo-chan!"  
  
'Too late..,' I thought but instead I replied in my sexiest voice, "Good morning, Usako. Did you get any sleep?"  
  
"Yeah, until I was woken up by a scary dream."  
  
"What was the dream about?", I asked in amusement. Her nightmare was possibly about Prince Diamond and Sapphire making out with her simultaneously.  
  
"I dreamt about you cheating on me with Motoki!"  
  
"Really? What were we doing in the dream?", I asked, playing along. Maybe I should tell her how I feel. Yeah, right! I'll tell Usagi when Queen Serenity decides to jump over the moon.  
  
"It began with you talking with Motoki outside of the apartment It eventually turned into a small making out session," she began  
  
"Go on," I implored while thinking in my mind, 'Damn my psychic connection. Let her think that it is a dream.'  
  
"And it ended like this!", she finished as she raised her hand and then...  
  
SLAP! Half of my face became numb with pain.  
  
'What the fuck! Oh shit... I've been found out!'  
  
"Damn straight you've been found out!", yelled Usagi with a not-so usual vocabulary, "How could you idiotically forget that our psychic link is stronger than Crazy Glue?"  
  
"If it was that strong, as you oh-so claim, then why the hell didn't you say something about it before?"  
  
"Uh... I, I, I don't know."  
  
"Exactly. You don't know! You don't know how jealous I am of you. You don't know how I deal with my frustration when you say that you want to wait. Especially when all I want to do is make love to you till dawn arrives and even after that! You have everything that I don't have. You fill your empty void with material objects. I have to fill my void with rough, passionate sex with Motoki. Why? Because everything I had in my life that was worth something turned to shit! My parents are dead, my childhood was one foster home after another, and the best friend that I met at the hospital, and I had to hurt him just to save your life. If I could make that choice again, I would've let him kill you! Why? You think everything is a rainbow. Well, I don't! It's all in black, white, and a multitude of shades in grey. And I'm tired of living up to your perfect ideal of a boyfriend. I'm tired of having to wait. I'm tired of having to be committed to something that I have no desire to care about!"  
  
That... felt liberating. I've never felt so relieved when I said all of that to her. Tears were coming down her eyes like a raging river. They weren't going to stop. Not until she walks out that door.  
  
"Mamo-chan... How could you say those words? Don't you want to be happy? Be a father? Or a king?", she asked in faint hope.  
  
"Did I decide to become all of that? It's every man's fantasy to become a king. But, it's not mine. I don't want to rule the world. All I want is a life. A life away from being a Sailor Senshi, a life from worrying about the future, a life away from you, and a life to contemplate the scars I've received over the years."  
  
"But Mamo-chan, your wounds heal after you de-henshin," she objected while trying to fight back her tears.  
  
"Still blinded by hope. Open your eyes and take a look at me. What do you see?"  
  
"I see a man with no scars. Not a single scratch."  
  
"Look harder. Maybe I should point them out to you?"  
  
"Okay then. Point them out!", she commanded, still trying to fight back newly-formed tears.  
  
This was going to be easy. I could feel my heart pounding against my chest. I was ready to pull the invisible blindfold that was covering her eyes for years.  
  
"Take a look at my wrists. These scars came from the time when Fisheye looked into my dream mirror."  
  
"Mamo-chan..," she began.  
  
"Don't interrupt me. See my right shoulder? This came from Zoisite stabbing me with an icicle. Take a look near my chest, where you see the four, little puncture wounds? Those came from Fiore's nails. Do you see the palm of my hands? Take a good look at them. From breaking the glass cage I was stuck in on the Kisenian seed. Let's not forget the nearly invisible scars all over my arms from that one lemure's throwing knives when it pinned me down to those stairs. Take a look at the left side of my back. Do you see that scar? Another one of Zoisite's ice crystals," I continued in a callous and yet tender way, trying to tell her exactly where each scar came from.  
  
"Mamo-chan... I don't see them," she finally said, interrupting me from making my point. It's time to tell her about my most painful scar, emotionally. The scar on my shoulder hurt me the most physically but the one that struck a very painful chord to me... I was saving it for last.  
  
"You may not see those, but this one, you should recognize. Look at my abs. You see that one long thin side reaching from side to side?"  
  
"Yes. Where did you get that one from?"  
  
"That came from your Moon Tiara Action attack when I was brainwashed."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Yes, Usako, it was your own attack that left my most visible scar."  
  
"What do you want me to do about it? What's done is done, Mamo-chan. You can't change the past."  
  
"I'm not asking that from you. I'm asking you to stop being blinded by the rainbow and every single shiny thing that comes by your path. Trust me. It'll only hurt you in the end," I finally finished making my point.  
  
"Mamoru, I don't know you. I thought I did and I thought that you wanted the same things that I did. But I see I was wrong. Mamoru Chiba, you and I are through."  
  
"I guess that's it then. You'll move on, so will I. You find love again, I stay with Motoki. We're both happy in the end without Crystal Tokyo or our past lives interfering with the future. Goodbye, Usagi Tsukino," I said, with a calm, soothing voice and with a sense of finality.  
  
"Goodbye, Mamoru Chiba. It was great while it lasted," she replied as she walked out the door.  
  
I look at the door and head for my bedroom, where I had a full-length mirror. I look at myself and I see that my reflection no longer has scars tracing his body. I've healed myself. I can finally no longer look at myself as scarred, but healed with a sense of clarity and hope. ***********************************************************************  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTES  
  
Damn! Audience, remind me never to write a break-up fic again. Never thought it would get this heavy nor would I have even dreamed that it would end like that. And I was writing it while listening to love songs.  
  
This story was originally written about a year ago, right after my muse gave me the idea to write a Mamoru/Kenji fic...  
  
...Ignore that last statement, please. Well, after I've written this fic, it was posted on my website and I closed that about a few months ago. I went looking for a poem of mine and found this lost and forgotten treasure. So, I revised it and had rid myself of the original ending, which was a corny epilogue that happened two years later. And at the time that I wrote this, it was my 2nd fanfic that I've written and finished.  
  
Send all positive, negative, or constructive feedback at shuukyouno@hotmail.com  
  
Here's the Quote of the Fic: "Listen. We're not just doing this for money. We're doing it for a shit load of money!" - Lone Starr, Spaceballs. 


End file.
